A boss at a workplace says to his secretary, "File this report, please."
"You file it, sir," the secretary replies. "I'm a secretary, not a woodworker."
What does an agnostic dyslexic do when experiencing insomnia? Sit up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
What is the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute? A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
A man visits his psychiatrist and says, "I¹ve been having recurring dreams. One night I¹ll dream I¹m a teepee, the next night I¹ll dream I¹m a wigwam. What¹s your diagnosis". The psychiatrist responds, "That easy, you're two tents."
What kind of nurse would fall in love with a rich patient? A practical nurse.
Why didn't the skeleton want to be a surgeon? His heart wasn't in it!
What was ET short for? So he would fit in his ship.
Ever heard of the wooden car with wooden wheels and a wooden engine? It wooden run.
Why do ducks have big flat feet? To stamp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have big flat feet? To stamp out flaming ducks.
How do you catch a red elephant? With a red elephant trap.
How do you catch a green elephant? Paint him red and catch him with the red elephant trap.
How do you catch an orange elephant? I don't know. I've never seen an orange elephant.
What kind of dog can jump higher than a building? Any dog. A building can't jump.
