A boss at a workplace says to his secretary, "File this report, please."
"You file it, sir," the secretary replies. "I'm a secretary, not a woodworker."
What does an agnostic dyslexic do when experiencing insomnia? Sit up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
What is the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute? A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
A man visits his psychiatrist and says, "I¹ve been having recurring dreams. One night I¹ll dream I¹m a teepee, the next night I¹ll dream I¹m a wigwam. What¹s your diagnosis". The psychiatrist responds, "That easy, you're two tents."
What kind of nurse would fall in love with a rich patient? A practical nurse.
Why didn't the skeleton want to be a surgeon? His heart wasn't in it!
What was ET short for? So he would fit in his ship.
Ever heard of the wooden car with wooden wheels and a wooden engine? It wooden run.
Why do ducks have big flat feet? To stamp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have big flat feet? To stamp out flaming ducks.
How do you catch a red elephant? With a red elephant trap.
How do you catch a green elephant? Paint him red and catch him with the red elephant trap.
How do you catch an orange elephant? I don't know. I've never seen an orange elephant.
What kind of dog can jump higher than a building? Any dog. A building can't jump.
4 comments:
Two fish were in a tank. One said to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
What do you call a loaf of bread with the end slices removed? Endless bread.
Two muffins are in the oven. One looks over and says, "Gee, don't you think it's hot in here?" and the other muffin says, "AAAAHHH!!!! A talking muffin!!!"
How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced? A buck an ear.
Three frogs walked into a bar, the fourth frog ducked.
What did one frog say to the other? Time sure is fun when you're having flies.
What happened to the frog's car when his parking meter expired? It got toad!
What do you call a frog that crosses the road, jumps in a puddle, and crosses the road again? A dirty double-crosser!
Why did the frog cross the road? Some kid super-glued it to the chicken.
What do you call a frog with no legs? It doesn't matter- he won't come anyway.
"Waiter... Waiter... Do you have frog legs?"
"No!... I always walk this way!"
What has more lives that a cat? A frog that croaks every night.
What's red and green and goes 175 miles an hour? A frog in a blender.
What's green with red spots? A frog with the chicken pox!
What's green with bumps? A frog with the measles!
What's green and dangerous? A frog with a hand-grenade.
A cowboy at a bar in Great Falls , Montana , orders three mugs of beer and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "I know, but that's O.K. I have two brothers, one in Billings , the other in Helena . I'm in Great Falls . When we left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender says, "I think that is a nice custom." The cowboy becomes a regular, and always orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day he comes in and orders only two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "We don't want to intrude on your grief, but we want to offer our condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Mormon church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers, though."
Women have a hundred ways of saying no, and they keep comming up with more. "I have a headache." Then it's "my shoulder hurts," followed by "My other shoulder hurts because I was holding this shoulder up so much yesterday." The other day took the cake. "The dog's watching."
The dog was staring straight at me. I said, "of coarse the dog is watching. He wants to learn how to sit up and beg."
"Now the dog is looking at me," she said.
"Now he's learning how to roll over and play dead."
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? One hundred. One to change the bulb, and ninety-nine to say, "I could have done that."
Never go into a department store in India during a red dot sale.
A woman goes into the doctor's office and says "I have 2 lumps under my breast and I can't figure out what they are" The doctor says "Ma'am, those are your shoes."
My school was so tough the school newspaper had an obituary section.
And check out this picture:
http://www.elvis.com.au/presley/norm_crosby_interview.shtml
Buy Norm if you can't download:
http://laughstore.stores.yahoo.net/normcrosby.html
Post a Comment